*Before I begin this post, Kevin and I need to say thank you. Thank you to everyone who has loved us so well. Thank you for every comment, message, letter, text. Although we may not respond we do read them and are thankful for all the love.
Wednesday October 29th, our sweet "jakey" as we called him went to be with Jesus. As I sit here trying to find the words to say it is like a tornado of thoughts and emotions colliding together. I don't want to forget this, I don't want to forget the pain, joy, hope, sadness, and the very real presence of God. The day before Jacob passed away was no different than any other. However that night he didn't eat great and just slept instead. I was holding him and we were both sleeping when I woke up because I noticed he was breathing different. I listened to him breathe for a little while because he usually snaps out of his abnormal breathing, but this time it lasted awhile. I woke up my sister who was on the couch next to me and I told her to go get kevin. We all listened to him and decided we should call his hospice nurse, who then told us to give him some morphine (we had been giving him small doses of morphine when we thought he was ever uncomfortable). A couple hours later he was still asleep in my arms but still breathing different. We called his nurse again so she could come check him out. When she got to our house she told us if he were to keep breathing like this then he wouldn't make it through the day. She left, we snuggled with Jacob and cried. Thankfully my sister was here and able to play with Connor so we could be with Jacob. Kevin held him awhile then his breathing was slowing down. Once we thought it was getting close to the end, Kevin gave Jacob back to me and I held him as he went to be with Jesus. A couple hours after the nurse left she came back to tell us that Jacob's heart had stopped beating. The next several hours were hard. We sat on the couch holding our sweet baby as each of our family members arrived. Most everyone got to hold Jacob one last time. After awhile our family left so Kevin, Connor, and I could be with Jacob before the funeral home people came to take him. This had been the moment I had been dreading and feeling nauseous about ever since we knew Jacob wouldn't make it. Connor held Jacob and kissed him goodbye. The next few minutes and hours are hard to go back to. They are painful and leave a sick pit in my stomach. Having to give my baby away and watch a stranger drive away with him is something I can not even begin to explain. As we watched Jacob leave our house, it was like a piece of us left with him. A piece we are ok with being gone, because it belongs to Jacob. For me that night was the most difficult. We put Connor to bed, then it was just Kevin and me. Usually after Connor went to sleep that was our time with Jacob. It felt a little lonely. It felt like someone was missing, and someone was. That night would be the first night since Jacob was born that I slept in my bed all night. I would usually be downstairs sleeping on the couch or in the chair with jakey on my chest. To get to sleep in my bed again meant that he was gone. I felt sad and just missed our cuddly baby. The next few days were hard, but words cannot express how thankful I am for our friends and family for taking care of EVERYTHING. The last thing we wanted to do was plan the funeral for our 3 month old son. I will never forget how awesome everyone was making phone calls, running errands, getting clothes for Connor and me, getting food together, flowers, planning the memorial. It meant so much to us, it lightened our heavy burden. The next couple days were spent seeing so many sweet friends and family. It meant so much to us to see so many people we care about, some people came so far for Jacob's memorial and for that it literally makes my heart hurt at how loved we felt.
Since Jacob's memorial, the three of us have been laying low and hanging out as a family. We have not jumped back into normal life yet, we are giving ourselves time to be with each other and allowing us to process all of this. It is all so much, at times I feel like I can't catch my breath or my lungs can't intake enough air. The best way I know how to describe how I am feeling is this: I feel at peace and ok with what has happened (not ok that babies are born with defects, for that is not what God intended) but I feel ok because God is good (not like "God is good" and I'm jumping up and down with my hands in the air, but a statement of truth, God.is.good.) and He is with us. Jacob was not supposed to come home from the hospital, and he lived with us in our house for 3 months. It was the best gift ever. A gift I am forever thankful for. I feel at peace, but deeper than the peace, a depth I didn't know I had is pain, not an angry pain, but just a mom missing her baby pain. The peace and pain coexist in me, and I think that is ok. Kevin and I watched the movie, The Fault in our Stars and in that movie was a quote that we loved. "Pain is meant to be felt." We live in a broken world and until Christ comes and makes all things new, pain is going to be felt, and it's meant to be felt. Because in this pain, I feel Christ. I feel Him holding me, I feel Him hurting with me. I feel Him saying I know what this deep pain feels like and you are not alone, take comfort in me. I can and will heal you. In the depth of my pain, Christ is there. Maybe one day this deep wound will become a scar and that will be ok, maybe it will be tougher than before. It will always be a reminder of our precious time with Jacob and the incredible gift that he was. For now we are slowing healing and processing. We are inching our way back into our daily normal. But it is hard, the world and the people around us have not changed, but we have, our lives have changed drastically, we are minus one. Another quote from The Fault in our Stars that when I heard it made tears fall from my eyes was when the main girl character says "I am so thankful for our little infinity." Our little infinity that we had with Jacob was a precious gift, and for that we are thankful.
For our sweet Jacob, The end has not been written.
