So many times I have wanted to sit down and write, but I can not find the words. Not that I have the words at this moment, but there has been so much going on in my mind and heart that it helps to write. We have been doing ok. The holidays were so good to hang out with our family and friends that we don't get to see that often. It was also hard and sad. On Christmas Kevin and I talked about how last Christmas we were excited that we would have a new little baby.  I see pictures from the last years Christmas and think to myself you have no idea what the next year is going to hold, how that precious life inside of you will change you forever. I think that last sentence is a huge understatement. However as sad as the holidays were I think for me the most difficult time was New Years. I always sarcastically said I was going to give 2014 the middle finger on New Years (haha 😳) but as New Years approached, the second that ball dropped, what I felt was the pain and sadness. As much as I wanted to say goodbye to 2014, it scared me and I felt like maybe I didn't want to say goodbye. How can I say goodbye to the 3 months in 2014 that we spent with Jacob, my heart was not ready for that. Time does not stop and you can't go back, even though at times you feel you need a timeout. I need a minute to process and remember. Because of some incredible friends we were able to do just that. It was the most improtu trip I have ever taken. Kevin, Connor, and myself went to Florida for a week. We spent half the week in Naples at an incredible place with a breathtaking view, and with the warm sun literally entering deep into my soul and the other half we spent in disney world. It was such a great trip. It was good to be with Kevin and Connor. It was good to be away, good to be in the sun. We had so much fun taking Connor to disney. We needed the happiest place on earth. I think Connor needed it, he has been through so much. His little brain just can't comprehend jakey is not coming back. We have been honest with him through all of this and talked so much about it, but he can't verbalize his emotions like we can. He asks questions and talks about him all the time. He wants to be a big help again(he loved helping with everything for Jacob), he wants to show jakey all his new toys. We talk about him often and say it's ok to miss him, and that we will see him again some day, but he can't comprehend. I think that's ok for now, hopefully as he gets older and as we keep talking he will remember and not be sad but look back and remember love and joy during this time. Hopefully he will look back and remember how good God is, even in the midst as something like this. We will not stop talking and reminding Connor of how much our Father loves us, and jakey.
For me it's been good, then so hard. At one point I remember thinking I just want someone else to know how this feels (sorry I know it sounds terrible). I want someone to understand what we just went through, the deep pain, and heaviness of it all. I was thinking and crying when it was like I could hear The Lord say to me, in the most compassionate and tear filled voice, kayla I have been here with you. I have never left you. I understand the pain. I understand the weight of it. I understand because I literally have never left you, I have been with you and felt all you have felt. I have seen and wiped every tear. I also understand because I have lost a son, I watched him suffer and die. I believe all of this and hold so tightly to it. To have a God who says I am here with you, I understand because I have been through it (much worse) is beyond comforting. It is all I have, and more than that it's all I need. This life is not a race or a game. I don't need to have X number of kids that look and act a specific way or live in this area or have these clothes and this house. I need to hold tight to the truth that Jesus loves me no matter what, that He is good no matter the circumstances, that He understands every hurt and pain in my life. This place is not my home, hope is not found in these things. It is found in the arms of a real God who gives free grace, love, joy, hope, life, even when you come to the realization that you had 3 sweet months with your newborn son and it's been almost four since he has been gone and the time you had with him is now less than the time you have been without him. Even in this fog, our God is good!

The end has not been written

*Before I begin this post, Kevin and I need to say thank you. Thank you to everyone who has loved us so well. Thank you for every comment, message, letter, text. Although we may not respond we do read them and are thankful for all the love.

Wednesday October 29th, our sweet "jakey" as we called him went to be with Jesus. As I sit here  trying to find the words to say it is like a tornado of thoughts and emotions colliding together. I don't want to forget this, I don't want to forget the pain, joy, hope, sadness, and the very real presence of God. The day before Jacob passed away was no different than any other. However that night he didn't eat great and just slept instead. I was holding him and we were both sleeping when I woke up because  I noticed he was breathing different. I listened to him breathe for a little while because he usually snaps out of his abnormal breathing, but this time it lasted awhile. I woke up my sister who was on the couch next to me and I told her to go get kevin. We all listened to him and decided we should call his hospice nurse, who then told us to give him some morphine (we had been giving him small doses of morphine when we thought he was ever uncomfortable). A couple hours later he was still asleep in my arms but still breathing different. We called his nurse again so she could come check him out. When she got to our house she told us if he were to keep breathing like this then he wouldn't make it through the day. She left, we snuggled with Jacob and cried. Thankfully my sister was here and able to play with Connor so we could be with Jacob. Kevin held him awhile then his breathing was slowing down. Once we thought it was getting close to the end, Kevin gave Jacob back to me and I held him as he went to be with Jesus. A couple hours after the nurse left she came back to tell us that Jacob's heart had stopped beating. The next several hours were hard. We sat on the couch holding our sweet baby as each of our family members arrived. Most everyone got to hold Jacob one last time. After awhile our family left so Kevin, Connor, and I could be with Jacob before the funeral home people came to take him. This had been the moment I had been dreading and feeling nauseous about ever since we knew Jacob wouldn't make it. Connor held Jacob and kissed him goodbye. The next few minutes and hours are hard to go back to. They are painful and leave a sick pit in my stomach. Having to give my baby away and watch a stranger drive away with him is something I can not even begin to explain. As we watched Jacob leave our house, it was like a piece of us left with him. A piece we are ok with being gone, because it belongs to Jacob. For me that night was the most difficult. We put Connor to bed, then it was just Kevin and me. Usually after Connor went to sleep that was our time with Jacob. It felt a little lonely. It felt like someone was missing, and someone was. That night would be the first night since Jacob was born that I slept in my bed all night. I would usually be downstairs sleeping on the couch or in the chair with jakey on my chest. To get to sleep in my bed again meant that he was gone. I felt sad and just missed our cuddly baby. The next few days were hard, but words cannot express how thankful I am for our friends and family for taking care of EVERYTHING. The last thing we wanted to do was plan the funeral for our 3 month old son. I will never forget how awesome everyone was making phone calls, running errands, getting clothes for Connor and me, getting food together, flowers, planning the memorial. It meant so much to us, it lightened our heavy burden. The next couple days were spent seeing so many sweet friends and family. It meant so much to us to see so many people we care about, some people came so far for Jacob's memorial and for that it literally makes my heart hurt at how loved we felt.

Since Jacob's memorial, the three of us have been laying low and hanging out as a family. We have not jumped back into normal life yet, we are giving ourselves time to be with each other and allowing  us to process all of this. It is all so much, at times I feel like I can't catch my breath or my lungs can't intake enough air. The best way I know how to describe how I am feeling is this: I feel at peace and ok with what has happened (not ok that babies are born with defects, for that is not what God intended) but I feel ok because God is good (not like "God is good" and I'm jumping up and down with my hands in the air, but a statement of truth, God.is.good.) and He is with us. Jacob was not supposed to come home from the hospital, and he lived with us in our house for 3 months. It was the best gift ever. A gift I am forever thankful for. I feel at peace, but deeper than the peace, a depth I didn't know I had is pain, not an angry pain, but just a mom missing her baby pain. The peace and pain coexist in me, and I think that is ok. Kevin and I watched the movie, The Fault in our Stars and in that movie was a quote that we loved. "Pain is meant to be felt." We live in a broken world and until Christ comes and makes all things new, pain is going to be felt, and it's meant to be felt. Because in this pain, I feel Christ. I feel Him holding me, I feel Him hurting with me. I feel Him saying I know what this deep pain feels like and you are not alone, take comfort in me. I can and will heal you. In the depth of my pain, Christ is there. Maybe one day this deep wound will become a scar and that will be ok, maybe it will be tougher than before. It will always be a reminder of our precious time with Jacob and the incredible gift that he was. For now we are slowing healing and processing. We are inching our way back into our daily normal. But it is hard, the world and the people around us have not changed, but we have, our lives have changed drastically, we are minus one. Another quote from The Fault in our Stars that when I heard it made tears fall from my eyes was when the main girl character says "I am so thankful for our little infinity." Our little infinity that we had with Jacob was a precious gift, and for that we are thankful.

For our sweet Jacob, The end has not been written.

We are still here! Yikes, sorry it has been awhile. There is not much to update on except Jacob is still here and is 7 weeks old!!! 7.weeks.old!!! I can't even fathom that it has been that long. I can not even begin to describe how thankful I am for these past 7 weeks. As I have said before every single day, every single hour is a gift. A gift that I will never forget and will forever be thankful for. With that being said, life is hard. The word 'hard' does not even begin to describe how I feel. At times I do not even know how I feel. The best word I can use to describe my day to day is heavy. All of this is heavy. It is heavy on my soul. The love and pain go down deep at times. Most days are good. Connor is unbelievably sweet to Jacob. That kid loves his little brother so much and wants to be as close to him as possible at times. It is another sweet gift God has given to us and to Connor! Other days I feel the enormous weight of knowing Jacob's life will end sooner than I ever wanted. I hope and worry that I am taking the absolute best care of Jacob. When Jacob has hard days I just pray that God helps me know how to take care of him. My cry is "please Lord don't let Jacob be in any pain." My heart can't handle that. Last week was hard for me, it was an emotionally tiring and heavy week. Jacob had some hard days, but mostly I think I want to take the best care of Jacob, and it is hard when I'm not always sure what that looks like. Towards the end of his life he will be sleeping more and eating less, which he has been doing some of. Honestly when he is asleep I am ok. I know that when he is asleep he is peaceful, happy, and pain free, so I just hold tight and snuggle! There are few times when he is awake and happy (mostly because that takes a lot of energy for him), he is mostly awake and fussy or eating. However there have been a few times when he has been awake and looking at me and as I talk to him he smiles. Those times I know are a bonus! I know it takes so much for him to do that, and my heart literally bursts a little inside when I have those sweet moments.
     I wanted to write after this week because I want to be real and honest, it has been hard and it's not always easy to find joy in our life circumstance. It's hard waiting, watching, even talking about the changes in Jacob. At times it's hard living day to day. I do not always feel like finding joy in this. But if I choose to drown in my worries, sadness, and the heaviness that weighs me down at times I will not find life. I will not find freedom or hope or love. I do not want to miss The Lord's goodness. He is good, I believe that! I will continue to believe that! He knows what is best for my life. I trust that. He loves us and is with us, I know and feel that. I have said it before and it's still true today in the midst of the real heaviness-we will not be moved. This will not determine where we put our hope and trust. Only in Jesus do we trust. We are thankful for Jesus and His unfailing love, because of it, we are able to love our sweet boys! My sweet friend Angie made me one of her awesome wood signs that she sells at https://www.etsy.com/shop/thirstyheartsdesign (check out her shop-super cute!) with the verse Isaiah 46:4 on it. "I have made you and I will carry you, I will sustain you and I will recuse you"  I have it hanging on our wall and throughout the day and night I walk by it holding Jacob saying those words out loud. That truth is comforting and more real to me now than ever before. The Lord has made Jacob and us! He is carrying us! He is sustaining us! And he has rescued us! Thank you for praying for our family, we are grateful!

I realized today that it has been awhile since I have updated everyone. Not much change has happened with Jacob. Since we brought Jacob home he has been under hospice care. A nurse comes to our house once a week to check his heart and lungs. Each time they are amazed at how well Jacob is doing and how good he looks. This week when the nurse came she said she noticed a little change in Jacob's heart beat. It sounded a little unorganized, it wasn't beating together as it should. This just means his little heart is getting tired. She also noticed a little change in his skin color. These are normal things that they expected to see as soon as he was born but he has surprised everyone and has held on for way longer than they expected. Even though Jacob acts just as perfect as he has since the day he was born, the news that there has been a change in his heart beat made me so sad. I have been really trying to enjoy and soak in every single minute with him. I do not think about the time that he won't be here with us. I don't think about the moment that will be his last and the days that will follow. I do not want to ruin my time with Jacob and be sad while he is here. I know there will be plenty of those days later. But when the nurse left I could not help but cry and be sad for Jacob. Every  now and again when Jacob eats it seems like he has a hard time breathing and it can be frustrating for him. That is the worst part. Watching Jacob struggle to eat or breathe is hard. It breaks my heart to watch him struggle and know there is nothing I can do for him. I could not shake the sadness, I kept thinking how sad this slow process of watching Jacob go downhill will be. The rest of the day I held so tightly to my baby. I rocked him, took a nap with him, and just held him close. I keep telling Jacob that it's ok, I have him, I got him, I won't let him go, I'll be here until the end. As I say those words to him my immediate thought is always God has us, He won't let us go, He is here always-through the end. I envision The Lord holding us and whispering those same words that I whisper to Jacob. I imagine that He is holding me as I hold Jacob. As I felt my sadness overtaking me, I imagine My Heavenly Father holding us with a greater love than I can imagine, more than my love for Jacob, and I am comforted. I am comforted by Kevin and my friends who listen to me cry. I am comforted by the sweet texts that I get that say "we are praying for you" "praying for God to hold you" "praying you feel The Lord" thank you thank you for praying. God is answering your prayers. His presence is in us. He has us and will never let us go.
Isaiah 41:10 "So do not fear, for I am with you, do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

At our appointment on Monday the cardiologist took a look at Jacob's heart and told us everything looked the same. His heart muscle is still weak and will eventually stop beating. They are not sure how much longer we will have with Jacob. It could be days, weeks, or even months. They said babies surprise them all the time with how long they hold on. They think it will be a gradual decline for Jacob instead of his heart failing instantly.  It was a sad reminder that his heart will eventually give up, but we are trying to continue to live in each moment we have with him. It has been really fun to get to do things with Jacob that we never thought we would be able to do. When I was pregnant I was sad that I wouldn't be able to do things with him, just normal everyday things. One day Kevin and Connor were playing out in the front yard and kicking a soccer ball and I just sat on our front porch in our rocking chair and I was so sad that I wouldn't be able to watch them play while rocking Jacob in that chair. Another time I sat in Jacob's room on our glider and rocked for a little bit because I thought that would be the only time I would be able to rock him. Because God is seriously so good, He has graciously allowed me to bring those dreams to life. The other day I sat in the rocking chair on our front porch and watched kevin and Connor play, I literally whispered the word "gift". Today I went into Jacob's room and rocked him on the glider and again whispered "gift". We have taken him on walks in the stroller. Connor has helped give him a bath (he loves washing Jacob's hair). Today I sat down with Connor and played with his castle toy while I held Jacob. We have had the sweetest moments as a family, for that I am beyond thankful. I never thought we would have these moments. Jacob has gotten to meet some of our dearest friends, they have gotten to hold him and love on him. There is something so special about our friends and family getting to hold Jacob, they have prayed and thought about Jacob for such a long time and it is incredible sweet for them to get to hold a product of prayer and God's goodness! Each day we have is a gift, we fall more and more in love with  him and get to know him a little better. We realized how much harder it will be to let him go when the time comes, but we would not trade the time we have had with him for anything, no matter how painful it will be. We know and trust The Lord has gone before us and is with us in this. We are loving on Jacob and caring for him with our hands open knowing that he belongs to The Lord. It will not be easy, but knowing Jacob will be in our heavenly Father's care is comforting. Thank for praying! God is so good, in all circumstances we will choose to rejoice!

So many gifts

Jacob Matthew Warnick came into the world on Wednesday July 30th at 6:07pm. He was 7lbs and 20 inches long. He came out crying and it was a beautiful sound! We had little expectations about how long we would have with him. We were excited, overjoyed, thankful, and a little scared about the next several hours. They put him on my chest and it was incredible to hold him and feel him! The doctors quickly took him away to check him out because he came out so vigorious and healthy looking that they wanted to look at him right away. Jacob went to the nursery and kevin followed as the team of cardiologist were there waiting to look at his heart. As soon as I was cleaned up I was able to go to the nursery and we held him while the cardiologist discussed the findings about his heart defects. The cardiologist finally came to talk with us and told us they believe everything looked as they thought and we should continue with our plan of action, to love on him and snuggle with him until The Lord brings him home. We brought him back to our room and that is exactly what we did. We held him and cuddled with him! Each person in our family and our best friends were able to hold him as well. He looked perfect! No wires or machines needed to keep him comfortable. He was doing really well just being a little newborn baby. He was eating and breathing great! Every single moment was an incredible gift! We never put him down! It was hard to sleep, we just stayed up with Jacob in our arms, singing him songs and thanking The Lord for each second. Each day and night we were in the hospital we were so overjoyed by all the time we were getting to spend with him. We were able to take several pictures, give him a bath, and make little sculptures of his little hands and feet. The doctors would come periodically and check him out and tell us how well he was doing, it was a gift. After a couple days the doctors said we were able to take Jacob home with us!! We were thankful, excited, nervous, and very unprepared. The doctors had not given us hope that we would be able to take him home so we didn't bring a car seat, clothes, nor did we have anything ready at home. Our family brought the car seat and our son Connor (who loved his little brother and was excited to "give him kisses and rub his head") we packed up the car and the four of us drove home. We prayed, cried, and thanked The Lord for this gift. Currently we are at home and we are continuing to hold and love him. He is still doing great. We go to the cardiologist Monday afternoon and they will look to see if anything has changed. We do not know what to expect, we feel like his defect was so abnormal that no one really knew how he would do. We are not thinking about the future but we are just living each moment with Jacob and soaking in the sweetness and doing our best to remember each little feature, noise, wrinkle, smell, and the incredible softness of his skin. Although I am incredibly thankful for each moment we have, it does make it that much harder knowing that he will go be with The Lord. I often get sad to think about him not being here with us, but I can not dwell in that. We rejoice in the moments we have right now because I never thought I would get this time. Jacob belongs to The Lord and we trust in Him, we trust that He is in control, that He loves Jacob and us. Thank you for everyone's kind words! We are thankful for everyone who has called/texted/left Facebook and Instagram comments, we see them all and are thankful for everyone's prayers and encouragement.

Revelation 21:1-5

21 Then I saw “a new heaven and a new earth,”[a] for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. 2 I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. 3 And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and he will dwell with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. 4 ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’[b] or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”

5 He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!” Then he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.”

The end has not been written! Pray for baby Jacob! 

This will probably be the last update on here for a bit. We are going into the hospital tonight to be induced. We have several emotions and feelings that are flooding us right now. We are excited to meet our precious Jacob, but anxious and sad for how long we will have with him. We are choosing to believe the truth that God loves Jacob. God loves, cares, hurts, and is with us. Please pray for our family. Pray for our time with Jacob. Pray for peace, only a peace that can come from The Lord. "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God,which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7. These words have never been more real and true than they are in this moment. Thank The Lord for His truth, and peace. Thank you Jesus that we get to suffer with you and therefore experience glory with you, glory that far outweighs the pain and suffering. We will do our best to keep everyone updated.