We are still here! Yikes, sorry it has been awhile. There is not much to update on except Jacob is still here and is 7 weeks old!!! 7.weeks.old!!! I can't even fathom that it has been that long. I can not even begin to describe how thankful I am for these past 7 weeks. As I have said before every single day, every single hour is a gift. A gift that I will never forget and will forever be thankful for. With that being said, life is hard. The word 'hard' does not even begin to describe how I feel. At times I do not even know how I feel. The best word I can use to describe my day to day is heavy. All of this is heavy. It is heavy on my soul. The love and pain go down deep at times. Most days are good. Connor is unbelievably sweet to Jacob. That kid loves his little brother so much and wants to be as close to him as possible at times. It is another sweet gift God has given to us and to Connor! Other days I feel the enormous weight of knowing Jacob's life will end sooner than I ever wanted. I hope and worry that I am taking the absolute best care of Jacob. When Jacob has hard days I just pray that God helps me know how to take care of him. My cry is "please Lord don't let Jacob be in any pain." My heart can't handle that. Last week was hard for me, it was an emotionally tiring and heavy week. Jacob had some hard days, but mostly I think I want to take the best care of Jacob, and it is hard when I'm not always sure what that looks like. Towards the end of his life he will be sleeping more and eating less, which he has been doing some of. Honestly when he is asleep I am ok. I know that when he is asleep he is peaceful, happy, and pain free, so I just hold tight and snuggle! There are few times when he is awake and happy (mostly because that takes a lot of energy for him), he is mostly awake and fussy or eating. However there have been a few times when he has been awake and looking at me and as I talk to him he smiles. Those times I know are a bonus! I know it takes so much for him to do that, and my heart literally bursts a little inside when I have those sweet moments.
     I wanted to write after this week because I want to be real and honest, it has been hard and it's not always easy to find joy in our life circumstance. It's hard waiting, watching, even talking about the changes in Jacob. At times it's hard living day to day. I do not always feel like finding joy in this. But if I choose to drown in my worries, sadness, and the heaviness that weighs me down at times I will not find life. I will not find freedom or hope or love. I do not want to miss The Lord's goodness. He is good, I believe that! I will continue to believe that! He knows what is best for my life. I trust that. He loves us and is with us, I know and feel that. I have said it before and it's still true today in the midst of the real heaviness-we will not be moved. This will not determine where we put our hope and trust. Only in Jesus do we trust. We are thankful for Jesus and His unfailing love, because of it, we are able to love our sweet boys! My sweet friend Angie made me one of her awesome wood signs that she sells at https://www.etsy.com/shop/thirstyheartsdesign (check out her shop-super cute!) with the verse Isaiah 46:4 on it. "I have made you and I will carry you, I will sustain you and I will recuse you"  I have it hanging on our wall and throughout the day and night I walk by it holding Jacob saying those words out loud. That truth is comforting and more real to me now than ever before. The Lord has made Jacob and us! He is carrying us! He is sustaining us! And he has rescued us! Thank you for praying for our family, we are grateful!