The end has not been written

*Before I begin this post, Kevin and I need to say thank you. Thank you to everyone who has loved us so well. Thank you for every comment, message, letter, text. Although we may not respond we do read them and are thankful for all the love.

Wednesday October 29th, our sweet "jakey" as we called him went to be with Jesus. As I sit here  trying to find the words to say it is like a tornado of thoughts and emotions colliding together. I don't want to forget this, I don't want to forget the pain, joy, hope, sadness, and the very real presence of God. The day before Jacob passed away was no different than any other. However that night he didn't eat great and just slept instead. I was holding him and we were both sleeping when I woke up because  I noticed he was breathing different. I listened to him breathe for a little while because he usually snaps out of his abnormal breathing, but this time it lasted awhile. I woke up my sister who was on the couch next to me and I told her to go get kevin. We all listened to him and decided we should call his hospice nurse, who then told us to give him some morphine (we had been giving him small doses of morphine when we thought he was ever uncomfortable). A couple hours later he was still asleep in my arms but still breathing different. We called his nurse again so she could come check him out. When she got to our house she told us if he were to keep breathing like this then he wouldn't make it through the day. She left, we snuggled with Jacob and cried. Thankfully my sister was here and able to play with Connor so we could be with Jacob. Kevin held him awhile then his breathing was slowing down. Once we thought it was getting close to the end, Kevin gave Jacob back to me and I held him as he went to be with Jesus. A couple hours after the nurse left she came back to tell us that Jacob's heart had stopped beating. The next several hours were hard. We sat on the couch holding our sweet baby as each of our family members arrived. Most everyone got to hold Jacob one last time. After awhile our family left so Kevin, Connor, and I could be with Jacob before the funeral home people came to take him. This had been the moment I had been dreading and feeling nauseous about ever since we knew Jacob wouldn't make it. Connor held Jacob and kissed him goodbye. The next few minutes and hours are hard to go back to. They are painful and leave a sick pit in my stomach. Having to give my baby away and watch a stranger drive away with him is something I can not even begin to explain. As we watched Jacob leave our house, it was like a piece of us left with him. A piece we are ok with being gone, because it belongs to Jacob. For me that night was the most difficult. We put Connor to bed, then it was just Kevin and me. Usually after Connor went to sleep that was our time with Jacob. It felt a little lonely. It felt like someone was missing, and someone was. That night would be the first night since Jacob was born that I slept in my bed all night. I would usually be downstairs sleeping on the couch or in the chair with jakey on my chest. To get to sleep in my bed again meant that he was gone. I felt sad and just missed our cuddly baby. The next few days were hard, but words cannot express how thankful I am for our friends and family for taking care of EVERYTHING. The last thing we wanted to do was plan the funeral for our 3 month old son. I will never forget how awesome everyone was making phone calls, running errands, getting clothes for Connor and me, getting food together, flowers, planning the memorial. It meant so much to us, it lightened our heavy burden. The next couple days were spent seeing so many sweet friends and family. It meant so much to us to see so many people we care about, some people came so far for Jacob's memorial and for that it literally makes my heart hurt at how loved we felt.

Since Jacob's memorial, the three of us have been laying low and hanging out as a family. We have not jumped back into normal life yet, we are giving ourselves time to be with each other and allowing  us to process all of this. It is all so much, at times I feel like I can't catch my breath or my lungs can't intake enough air. The best way I know how to describe how I am feeling is this: I feel at peace and ok with what has happened (not ok that babies are born with defects, for that is not what God intended) but I feel ok because God is good (not like "God is good" and I'm jumping up and down with my hands in the air, but a statement of truth, God.is.good.) and He is with us. Jacob was not supposed to come home from the hospital, and he lived with us in our house for 3 months. It was the best gift ever. A gift I am forever thankful for. I feel at peace, but deeper than the peace, a depth I didn't know I had is pain, not an angry pain, but just a mom missing her baby pain. The peace and pain coexist in me, and I think that is ok. Kevin and I watched the movie, The Fault in our Stars and in that movie was a quote that we loved. "Pain is meant to be felt." We live in a broken world and until Christ comes and makes all things new, pain is going to be felt, and it's meant to be felt. Because in this pain, I feel Christ. I feel Him holding me, I feel Him hurting with me. I feel Him saying I know what this deep pain feels like and you are not alone, take comfort in me. I can and will heal you. In the depth of my pain, Christ is there. Maybe one day this deep wound will become a scar and that will be ok, maybe it will be tougher than before. It will always be a reminder of our precious time with Jacob and the incredible gift that he was. For now we are slowing healing and processing. We are inching our way back into our daily normal. But it is hard, the world and the people around us have not changed, but we have, our lives have changed drastically, we are minus one. Another quote from The Fault in our Stars that when I heard it made tears fall from my eyes was when the main girl character says "I am so thankful for our little infinity." Our little infinity that we had with Jacob was a precious gift, and for that we are thankful.

For our sweet Jacob, The end has not been written.

We are still here! Yikes, sorry it has been awhile. There is not much to update on except Jacob is still here and is 7 weeks old!!! 7.weeks.old!!! I can't even fathom that it has been that long. I can not even begin to describe how thankful I am for these past 7 weeks. As I have said before every single day, every single hour is a gift. A gift that I will never forget and will forever be thankful for. With that being said, life is hard. The word 'hard' does not even begin to describe how I feel. At times I do not even know how I feel. The best word I can use to describe my day to day is heavy. All of this is heavy. It is heavy on my soul. The love and pain go down deep at times. Most days are good. Connor is unbelievably sweet to Jacob. That kid loves his little brother so much and wants to be as close to him as possible at times. It is another sweet gift God has given to us and to Connor! Other days I feel the enormous weight of knowing Jacob's life will end sooner than I ever wanted. I hope and worry that I am taking the absolute best care of Jacob. When Jacob has hard days I just pray that God helps me know how to take care of him. My cry is "please Lord don't let Jacob be in any pain." My heart can't handle that. Last week was hard for me, it was an emotionally tiring and heavy week. Jacob had some hard days, but mostly I think I want to take the best care of Jacob, and it is hard when I'm not always sure what that looks like. Towards the end of his life he will be sleeping more and eating less, which he has been doing some of. Honestly when he is asleep I am ok. I know that when he is asleep he is peaceful, happy, and pain free, so I just hold tight and snuggle! There are few times when he is awake and happy (mostly because that takes a lot of energy for him), he is mostly awake and fussy or eating. However there have been a few times when he has been awake and looking at me and as I talk to him he smiles. Those times I know are a bonus! I know it takes so much for him to do that, and my heart literally bursts a little inside when I have those sweet moments.
     I wanted to write after this week because I want to be real and honest, it has been hard and it's not always easy to find joy in our life circumstance. It's hard waiting, watching, even talking about the changes in Jacob. At times it's hard living day to day. I do not always feel like finding joy in this. But if I choose to drown in my worries, sadness, and the heaviness that weighs me down at times I will not find life. I will not find freedom or hope or love. I do not want to miss The Lord's goodness. He is good, I believe that! I will continue to believe that! He knows what is best for my life. I trust that. He loves us and is with us, I know and feel that. I have said it before and it's still true today in the midst of the real heaviness-we will not be moved. This will not determine where we put our hope and trust. Only in Jesus do we trust. We are thankful for Jesus and His unfailing love, because of it, we are able to love our sweet boys! My sweet friend Angie made me one of her awesome wood signs that she sells at https://www.etsy.com/shop/thirstyheartsdesign (check out her shop-super cute!) with the verse Isaiah 46:4 on it. "I have made you and I will carry you, I will sustain you and I will recuse you"  I have it hanging on our wall and throughout the day and night I walk by it holding Jacob saying those words out loud. That truth is comforting and more real to me now than ever before. The Lord has made Jacob and us! He is carrying us! He is sustaining us! And he has rescued us! Thank you for praying for our family, we are grateful!

I realized today that it has been awhile since I have updated everyone. Not much change has happened with Jacob. Since we brought Jacob home he has been under hospice care. A nurse comes to our house once a week to check his heart and lungs. Each time they are amazed at how well Jacob is doing and how good he looks. This week when the nurse came she said she noticed a little change in Jacob's heart beat. It sounded a little unorganized, it wasn't beating together as it should. This just means his little heart is getting tired. She also noticed a little change in his skin color. These are normal things that they expected to see as soon as he was born but he has surprised everyone and has held on for way longer than they expected. Even though Jacob acts just as perfect as he has since the day he was born, the news that there has been a change in his heart beat made me so sad. I have been really trying to enjoy and soak in every single minute with him. I do not think about the time that he won't be here with us. I don't think about the moment that will be his last and the days that will follow. I do not want to ruin my time with Jacob and be sad while he is here. I know there will be plenty of those days later. But when the nurse left I could not help but cry and be sad for Jacob. Every  now and again when Jacob eats it seems like he has a hard time breathing and it can be frustrating for him. That is the worst part. Watching Jacob struggle to eat or breathe is hard. It breaks my heart to watch him struggle and know there is nothing I can do for him. I could not shake the sadness, I kept thinking how sad this slow process of watching Jacob go downhill will be. The rest of the day I held so tightly to my baby. I rocked him, took a nap with him, and just held him close. I keep telling Jacob that it's ok, I have him, I got him, I won't let him go, I'll be here until the end. As I say those words to him my immediate thought is always God has us, He won't let us go, He is here always-through the end. I envision The Lord holding us and whispering those same words that I whisper to Jacob. I imagine that He is holding me as I hold Jacob. As I felt my sadness overtaking me, I imagine My Heavenly Father holding us with a greater love than I can imagine, more than my love for Jacob, and I am comforted. I am comforted by Kevin and my friends who listen to me cry. I am comforted by the sweet texts that I get that say "we are praying for you" "praying for God to hold you" "praying you feel The Lord" thank you thank you for praying. God is answering your prayers. His presence is in us. He has us and will never let us go.
Isaiah 41:10 "So do not fear, for I am with you, do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

At our appointment on Monday the cardiologist took a look at Jacob's heart and told us everything looked the same. His heart muscle is still weak and will eventually stop beating. They are not sure how much longer we will have with Jacob. It could be days, weeks, or even months. They said babies surprise them all the time with how long they hold on. They think it will be a gradual decline for Jacob instead of his heart failing instantly.  It was a sad reminder that his heart will eventually give up, but we are trying to continue to live in each moment we have with him. It has been really fun to get to do things with Jacob that we never thought we would be able to do. When I was pregnant I was sad that I wouldn't be able to do things with him, just normal everyday things. One day Kevin and Connor were playing out in the front yard and kicking a soccer ball and I just sat on our front porch in our rocking chair and I was so sad that I wouldn't be able to watch them play while rocking Jacob in that chair. Another time I sat in Jacob's room on our glider and rocked for a little bit because I thought that would be the only time I would be able to rock him. Because God is seriously so good, He has graciously allowed me to bring those dreams to life. The other day I sat in the rocking chair on our front porch and watched kevin and Connor play, I literally whispered the word "gift". Today I went into Jacob's room and rocked him on the glider and again whispered "gift". We have taken him on walks in the stroller. Connor has helped give him a bath (he loves washing Jacob's hair). Today I sat down with Connor and played with his castle toy while I held Jacob. We have had the sweetest moments as a family, for that I am beyond thankful. I never thought we would have these moments. Jacob has gotten to meet some of our dearest friends, they have gotten to hold him and love on him. There is something so special about our friends and family getting to hold Jacob, they have prayed and thought about Jacob for such a long time and it is incredible sweet for them to get to hold a product of prayer and God's goodness! Each day we have is a gift, we fall more and more in love with  him and get to know him a little better. We realized how much harder it will be to let him go when the time comes, but we would not trade the time we have had with him for anything, no matter how painful it will be. We know and trust The Lord has gone before us and is with us in this. We are loving on Jacob and caring for him with our hands open knowing that he belongs to The Lord. It will not be easy, but knowing Jacob will be in our heavenly Father's care is comforting. Thank for praying! God is so good, in all circumstances we will choose to rejoice!

So many gifts

Jacob Matthew Warnick came into the world on Wednesday July 30th at 6:07pm. He was 7lbs and 20 inches long. He came out crying and it was a beautiful sound! We had little expectations about how long we would have with him. We were excited, overjoyed, thankful, and a little scared about the next several hours. They put him on my chest and it was incredible to hold him and feel him! The doctors quickly took him away to check him out because he came out so vigorious and healthy looking that they wanted to look at him right away. Jacob went to the nursery and kevin followed as the team of cardiologist were there waiting to look at his heart. As soon as I was cleaned up I was able to go to the nursery and we held him while the cardiologist discussed the findings about his heart defects. The cardiologist finally came to talk with us and told us they believe everything looked as they thought and we should continue with our plan of action, to love on him and snuggle with him until The Lord brings him home. We brought him back to our room and that is exactly what we did. We held him and cuddled with him! Each person in our family and our best friends were able to hold him as well. He looked perfect! No wires or machines needed to keep him comfortable. He was doing really well just being a little newborn baby. He was eating and breathing great! Every single moment was an incredible gift! We never put him down! It was hard to sleep, we just stayed up with Jacob in our arms, singing him songs and thanking The Lord for each second. Each day and night we were in the hospital we were so overjoyed by all the time we were getting to spend with him. We were able to take several pictures, give him a bath, and make little sculptures of his little hands and feet. The doctors would come periodically and check him out and tell us how well he was doing, it was a gift. After a couple days the doctors said we were able to take Jacob home with us!! We were thankful, excited, nervous, and very unprepared. The doctors had not given us hope that we would be able to take him home so we didn't bring a car seat, clothes, nor did we have anything ready at home. Our family brought the car seat and our son Connor (who loved his little brother and was excited to "give him kisses and rub his head") we packed up the car and the four of us drove home. We prayed, cried, and thanked The Lord for this gift. Currently we are at home and we are continuing to hold and love him. He is still doing great. We go to the cardiologist Monday afternoon and they will look to see if anything has changed. We do not know what to expect, we feel like his defect was so abnormal that no one really knew how he would do. We are not thinking about the future but we are just living each moment with Jacob and soaking in the sweetness and doing our best to remember each little feature, noise, wrinkle, smell, and the incredible softness of his skin. Although I am incredibly thankful for each moment we have, it does make it that much harder knowing that he will go be with The Lord. I often get sad to think about him not being here with us, but I can not dwell in that. We rejoice in the moments we have right now because I never thought I would get this time. Jacob belongs to The Lord and we trust in Him, we trust that He is in control, that He loves Jacob and us. Thank you for everyone's kind words! We are thankful for everyone who has called/texted/left Facebook and Instagram comments, we see them all and are thankful for everyone's prayers and encouragement.

Revelation 21:1-5

21 Then I saw “a new heaven and a new earth,”[a] for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. 2 I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. 3 And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and he will dwell with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. 4 ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’[b] or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”

5 He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!” Then he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.”

The end has not been written! Pray for baby Jacob! 

This will probably be the last update on here for a bit. We are going into the hospital tonight to be induced. We have several emotions and feelings that are flooding us right now. We are excited to meet our precious Jacob, but anxious and sad for how long we will have with him. We are choosing to believe the truth that God loves Jacob. God loves, cares, hurts, and is with us. Please pray for our family. Pray for our time with Jacob. Pray for peace, only a peace that can come from The Lord. "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God,which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7. These words have never been more real and true than they are in this moment. Thank The Lord for His truth, and peace. Thank you Jesus that we get to suffer with you and therefore experience glory with you, glory that far outweighs the pain and suffering. We will do our best to keep everyone updated. 

Since finding out that Jacob was in heart failure we were faced with making a decision to go the route of heart transplant or comfort care. No person should ever have to think about these things, Kevin and I were not ready to make this decision. We wanted to do all we could for our sweet boy but at what cost to him. We had several questions about infant heart transplants and were praying for clarity with this decision. When I was 36 weeks we needed to quickly make a decision because I was getting so close to my due date and we needed to have a plan for when he was born. Because we had no idea how to make this decision we were able to speak on the phone with the heart transplant team in Columbus about Jacob and about heart transplants in babies. The team of doctors and nurses were very familiar with Jacob's heart condition because they had been looking at his ultrasounds and consulting with our cardiologist for several weeks now. Everyone was very sweet and painfully honest, which I am thankful that doctors and nurses care about us enough to tell us the truth. They walked us down the path of infant heart transplants. The waiting, the medications, the machines. They also told us how concerned they were for Jacob. They gave us several reasons why they were concerned, boiling down to: Jacob may be to sick or unstable to receive a heart transplant. They did not believe he would be able to be stabilized once he was born or even make it long enough until a heart would become available. Our hearts were so sad but we believed we received the clarity we had been praying for after speaking with the heart transplant team. As hard and as painful as it was to hear the reality of Jacob's life, it was a prayer being answered. We will forever be thankful and love Jacob. We know that because the Holy Spirit is in us, that the Holy Spirit also hurts with us. We are thankful we have a God who knows and has experienced the pain we feel. We are thankful He has not nor will He leave us alone in this. As we walk through this utter darkness and sadness I can say with everything in me that there is joy, hope, and peace amongst this pain-only because of Christ.

To piggy back off my post yesterday something else I have come to realize during this time is how much I hold on to Connor and Jacob instead of The Lord. These thoughts of how I imagined my life to look and how deeply I love and would do anything for my kids have brought me to see how much more I should love The Lord than this picture of my life. It has shown me how I love my kids often times more than I love Him. Since I have become a mom I have struggled with this idea of giving ALL to The Lord, specifically my sons. During this time light has been shown into my very worst fear, losing a child. I have read stories of other people losing their children and my heart literally breaks for them. I couldn't even dwell in that thought because it was to painful if that ever became a reality for me. Now I am looking that reality in the face, and it's a place I never thought I would be. There are no words to describe the pain and sadness I feel. My worst fear has become my reality. I am reminded as I face this fear that The Lord has graciously given Connor and Jacob to Kevin and me to take care of while we are on this earth, however long that may be. And for that I am beyond thankful. Jacob and Connor belong to Him. I am reminded of the absolute love it took for God to freely sacrifice His own son for me, for the world. The absolute love it took for Him to let Jesus be born into a broken world only to be misunderstood, hated, beaten, betrayed, and put to death-all for His great rescue plan for the world, for me-once an enemy of God. The love for His people outweighed by far the pain of that sacrifice. The pain of watching His own son go through death and more than that-the pain of watching His perfect son absorb the sin of the world, all the pain, brokenness, evil, selfishness, greed, idolatry. That pain I can not even imagine, but i am BEYOND thankful that God had a greater plan as He sent Jesus into the world. I am thankful that Jesus conquered death, and that means there is no more fear in death for us, there is so much hope of new life. "Where O death is your victory? Where O death is your sting? The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore my brothers stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of The Lord, because you know that your labor is not in vain." 1 Corinthians 15:55-58. We will not let this move us. We will remain faithful.

Since we have found out about Jacob there are several things that have come to light in my life. I realized I had held onto this idea about my life and family that it needed to look a certain way, pretty, not unusual, a few kids-spaced out the appropriate amount. With Jacob my unconscious thoughts about how our life would look got turned upside down. He would have major surgeries early on-an issue with his heart that would affect the rest of his life, his activity level, more doctor check ups, daily medication. At the beginning of June at one of our Columbus appointments we found out that Jacob was in heart failure and may not make it to birth. The only option for him now would be to travel up to Columbus and he would need a heart transplant right when he is born(his heart was not strong enough for the 3 surgeries anymore) that is if there were any infant hearts available-sad. If he makes it to birth we are faced with a decision to keep him in the hospital-connected to machines preserving his little life for a few weeks or months, waiting. And then continue on the course that a heart transplant human walks through, a life of more doctors, many medications, and several other hardships, fears, and unknowns. The other option is having Jacob in Lexington and loving/caring and holding him free of wires and machines until his tired and weak heart stops beating-however long that may be. Everything is out of the doctors control and our control. Jacob's life is in the hands of our always loving and good Father. We trust in The Lord and trust He knows what is best. Our hearts are broken and sad for his little life that we may not get to share with him, but we trust that Jesus will make all things new one day-even Jacob's heart. There is hope for Jacob and us! One day Jacob will have a new perfect heart and we rejoice in that truth. As for now I will surrender this idea of what I imagined my life to look like and will choose instead to trust in The Lord, trust that He loves Jacob more than Kevin and I do and receive the peace He offers during this hard time.

Many of you may know the details of our story already. However I have been writing things down since we found out about our sweet baby boy and I feel I should share my heart throughout this life changing process. I am not much of a writer and I tend to be all over the place at times. I also am not one to start up a blog to share with the world about the storm we are walking through, but I have been encouraged by so many stories that people have so courageously told that I thought maybe someone might be encouraged by ours. My hope in this is that the truth of Jesus and His promises would become more real to people as they have for me. I'll start from the beginning from when we first found out the news.

At 20 weeks the doctors told us we were having another baby boy with a serious heart defect. So serious and unusual that there was no name for it. So many issues with his heart development, that the doctors had a hard time seeing/making sense of the defect he had. The pictures they drew of his heart had scribbles, erase marks, and white out over what they thought they saw but couldn't make out for sure. It was one of the longest days of my life.  We were so sad and afraid for his little life. We had no idea what this would mean for our life or his. The doctors sent us up to Columbus to go forward with mine and Jacob's care. Each doctor consulted other doctors and were very compassionate with us because of this severe and unusual heart defect. They all apologized and said this is a lightning strike of an occurrence, sometimes the heart just doesn't develop correctly for no reason at all, assuring us it wasn't anything we did.

We felt sad, scared, not sure what life with our other son Connor would look like once Jacob was born. Jacob would need several open heart surgeries, as a newborn, at 6 months, and anywhere from 2-4 years of age. Each time we visited the doctor the diagnosis changed. It was hard to be mad at the doctors, it was far from a normal heart..even a heart with defects. They told us terrible news then the next visit they told us very hopeful news to the next one devastating news. Each time we had to
adjust to the new diagnosis. It was difficult to process everything because we had no certainties about what really was going on with our baby. But our hope is in Christ and knowing the truth that He is good no matter what circumstance you are in is something we have held very tightly too. We have said we believed these promises for years and now more than ever we are faced to walk in that truth. We believe they are true and we are encouraged and empowered by the truth in Romans 8:38-39. "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."