I realized today that it has been awhile since I have updated everyone. Not much change has happened with Jacob. Since we brought Jacob home he has been under hospice care. A nurse comes to our house once a week to check his heart and lungs. Each time they are amazed at how well Jacob is doing and how good he looks. This week when the nurse came she said she noticed a little change in Jacob's heart beat. It sounded a little unorganized, it wasn't beating together as it should. This just means his little heart is getting tired. She also noticed a little change in his skin color. These are normal things that they expected to see as soon as he was born but he has surprised everyone and has held on for way longer than they expected. Even though Jacob acts just as perfect as he has since the day he was born, the news that there has been a change in his heart beat made me so sad. I have been really trying to enjoy and soak in every single minute with him. I do not think about the time that he won't be here with us. I don't think about the moment that will be his last and the days that will follow. I do not want to ruin my time with Jacob and be sad while he is here. I know there will be plenty of those days later. But when the nurse left I could not help but cry and be sad for Jacob. Every  now and again when Jacob eats it seems like he has a hard time breathing and it can be frustrating for him. That is the worst part. Watching Jacob struggle to eat or breathe is hard. It breaks my heart to watch him struggle and know there is nothing I can do for him. I could not shake the sadness, I kept thinking how sad this slow process of watching Jacob go downhill will be. The rest of the day I held so tightly to my baby. I rocked him, took a nap with him, and just held him close. I keep telling Jacob that it's ok, I have him, I got him, I won't let him go, I'll be here until the end. As I say those words to him my immediate thought is always God has us, He won't let us go, He is here always-through the end. I envision The Lord holding us and whispering those same words that I whisper to Jacob. I imagine that He is holding me as I hold Jacob. As I felt my sadness overtaking me, I imagine My Heavenly Father holding us with a greater love than I can imagine, more than my love for Jacob, and I am comforted. I am comforted by Kevin and my friends who listen to me cry. I am comforted by the sweet texts that I get that say "we are praying for you" "praying for God to hold you" "praying you feel The Lord" thank you thank you for praying. God is answering your prayers. His presence is in us. He has us and will never let us go.
Isaiah 41:10 "So do not fear, for I am with you, do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."