This will probably be the last update on here for a bit. We are going into the hospital tonight to be induced. We have several emotions and feelings that are flooding us right now. We are excited to meet our precious Jacob, but anxious and sad for how long we will have with him. We are choosing to believe the truth that God loves Jacob. God loves, cares, hurts, and is with us. Please pray for our family. Pray for our time with Jacob. Pray for peace, only a peace that can come from The Lord. "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God,which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7. These words have never been more real and true than they are in this moment. Thank The Lord for His truth, and peace. Thank you Jesus that we get to suffer with you and therefore experience glory with you, glory that far outweighs the pain and suffering. We will do our best to keep everyone updated. 

Since finding out that Jacob was in heart failure we were faced with making a decision to go the route of heart transplant or comfort care. No person should ever have to think about these things, Kevin and I were not ready to make this decision. We wanted to do all we could for our sweet boy but at what cost to him. We had several questions about infant heart transplants and were praying for clarity with this decision. When I was 36 weeks we needed to quickly make a decision because I was getting so close to my due date and we needed to have a plan for when he was born. Because we had no idea how to make this decision we were able to speak on the phone with the heart transplant team in Columbus about Jacob and about heart transplants in babies. The team of doctors and nurses were very familiar with Jacob's heart condition because they had been looking at his ultrasounds and consulting with our cardiologist for several weeks now. Everyone was very sweet and painfully honest, which I am thankful that doctors and nurses care about us enough to tell us the truth. They walked us down the path of infant heart transplants. The waiting, the medications, the machines. They also told us how concerned they were for Jacob. They gave us several reasons why they were concerned, boiling down to: Jacob may be to sick or unstable to receive a heart transplant. They did not believe he would be able to be stabilized once he was born or even make it long enough until a heart would become available. Our hearts were so sad but we believed we received the clarity we had been praying for after speaking with the heart transplant team. As hard and as painful as it was to hear the reality of Jacob's life, it was a prayer being answered. We will forever be thankful and love Jacob. We know that because the Holy Spirit is in us, that the Holy Spirit also hurts with us. We are thankful we have a God who knows and has experienced the pain we feel. We are thankful He has not nor will He leave us alone in this. As we walk through this utter darkness and sadness I can say with everything in me that there is joy, hope, and peace amongst this pain-only because of Christ.

To piggy back off my post yesterday something else I have come to realize during this time is how much I hold on to Connor and Jacob instead of The Lord. These thoughts of how I imagined my life to look and how deeply I love and would do anything for my kids have brought me to see how much more I should love The Lord than this picture of my life. It has shown me how I love my kids often times more than I love Him. Since I have become a mom I have struggled with this idea of giving ALL to The Lord, specifically my sons. During this time light has been shown into my very worst fear, losing a child. I have read stories of other people losing their children and my heart literally breaks for them. I couldn't even dwell in that thought because it was to painful if that ever became a reality for me. Now I am looking that reality in the face, and it's a place I never thought I would be. There are no words to describe the pain and sadness I feel. My worst fear has become my reality. I am reminded as I face this fear that The Lord has graciously given Connor and Jacob to Kevin and me to take care of while we are on this earth, however long that may be. And for that I am beyond thankful. Jacob and Connor belong to Him. I am reminded of the absolute love it took for God to freely sacrifice His own son for me, for the world. The absolute love it took for Him to let Jesus be born into a broken world only to be misunderstood, hated, beaten, betrayed, and put to death-all for His great rescue plan for the world, for me-once an enemy of God. The love for His people outweighed by far the pain of that sacrifice. The pain of watching His own son go through death and more than that-the pain of watching His perfect son absorb the sin of the world, all the pain, brokenness, evil, selfishness, greed, idolatry. That pain I can not even imagine, but i am BEYOND thankful that God had a greater plan as He sent Jesus into the world. I am thankful that Jesus conquered death, and that means there is no more fear in death for us, there is so much hope of new life. "Where O death is your victory? Where O death is your sting? The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore my brothers stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of The Lord, because you know that your labor is not in vain." 1 Corinthians 15:55-58. We will not let this move us. We will remain faithful.

Since we have found out about Jacob there are several things that have come to light in my life. I realized I had held onto this idea about my life and family that it needed to look a certain way, pretty, not unusual, a few kids-spaced out the appropriate amount. With Jacob my unconscious thoughts about how our life would look got turned upside down. He would have major surgeries early on-an issue with his heart that would affect the rest of his life, his activity level, more doctor check ups, daily medication. At the beginning of June at one of our Columbus appointments we found out that Jacob was in heart failure and may not make it to birth. The only option for him now would be to travel up to Columbus and he would need a heart transplant right when he is born(his heart was not strong enough for the 3 surgeries anymore) that is if there were any infant hearts available-sad. If he makes it to birth we are faced with a decision to keep him in the hospital-connected to machines preserving his little life for a few weeks or months, waiting. And then continue on the course that a heart transplant human walks through, a life of more doctors, many medications, and several other hardships, fears, and unknowns. The other option is having Jacob in Lexington and loving/caring and holding him free of wires and machines until his tired and weak heart stops beating-however long that may be. Everything is out of the doctors control and our control. Jacob's life is in the hands of our always loving and good Father. We trust in The Lord and trust He knows what is best. Our hearts are broken and sad for his little life that we may not get to share with him, but we trust that Jesus will make all things new one day-even Jacob's heart. There is hope for Jacob and us! One day Jacob will have a new perfect heart and we rejoice in that truth. As for now I will surrender this idea of what I imagined my life to look like and will choose instead to trust in The Lord, trust that He loves Jacob more than Kevin and I do and receive the peace He offers during this hard time.

Many of you may know the details of our story already. However I have been writing things down since we found out about our sweet baby boy and I feel I should share my heart throughout this life changing process. I am not much of a writer and I tend to be all over the place at times. I also am not one to start up a blog to share with the world about the storm we are walking through, but I have been encouraged by so many stories that people have so courageously told that I thought maybe someone might be encouraged by ours. My hope in this is that the truth of Jesus and His promises would become more real to people as they have for me. I'll start from the beginning from when we first found out the news.

At 20 weeks the doctors told us we were having another baby boy with a serious heart defect. So serious and unusual that there was no name for it. So many issues with his heart development, that the doctors had a hard time seeing/making sense of the defect he had. The pictures they drew of his heart had scribbles, erase marks, and white out over what they thought they saw but couldn't make out for sure. It was one of the longest days of my life.  We were so sad and afraid for his little life. We had no idea what this would mean for our life or his. The doctors sent us up to Columbus to go forward with mine and Jacob's care. Each doctor consulted other doctors and were very compassionate with us because of this severe and unusual heart defect. They all apologized and said this is a lightning strike of an occurrence, sometimes the heart just doesn't develop correctly for no reason at all, assuring us it wasn't anything we did.

We felt sad, scared, not sure what life with our other son Connor would look like once Jacob was born. Jacob would need several open heart surgeries, as a newborn, at 6 months, and anywhere from 2-4 years of age. Each time we visited the doctor the diagnosis changed. It was hard to be mad at the doctors, it was far from a normal heart..even a heart with defects. They told us terrible news then the next visit they told us very hopeful news to the next one devastating news. Each time we had to
adjust to the new diagnosis. It was difficult to process everything because we had no certainties about what really was going on with our baby. But our hope is in Christ and knowing the truth that He is good no matter what circumstance you are in is something we have held very tightly too. We have said we believed these promises for years and now more than ever we are faced to walk in that truth. We believe they are true and we are encouraged and empowered by the truth in Romans 8:38-39. "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."