So many times I have wanted to sit down and write, but I can not find the words. Not that I have the words at this moment, but there has been so much going on in my mind and heart that it helps to write. We have been doing ok. The holidays were so good to hang out with our family and friends that we don't get to see that often. It was also hard and sad. On Christmas Kevin and I talked about how last Christmas we were excited that we would have a new little baby.  I see pictures from the last years Christmas and think to myself you have no idea what the next year is going to hold, how that precious life inside of you will change you forever. I think that last sentence is a huge understatement. However as sad as the holidays were I think for me the most difficult time was New Years. I always sarcastically said I was going to give 2014 the middle finger on New Years (haha 😳) but as New Years approached, the second that ball dropped, what I felt was the pain and sadness. As much as I wanted to say goodbye to 2014, it scared me and I felt like maybe I didn't want to say goodbye. How can I say goodbye to the 3 months in 2014 that we spent with Jacob, my heart was not ready for that. Time does not stop and you can't go back, even though at times you feel you need a timeout. I need a minute to process and remember. Because of some incredible friends we were able to do just that. It was the most improtu trip I have ever taken. Kevin, Connor, and myself went to Florida for a week. We spent half the week in Naples at an incredible place with a breathtaking view, and with the warm sun literally entering deep into my soul and the other half we spent in disney world. It was such a great trip. It was good to be with Kevin and Connor. It was good to be away, good to be in the sun. We had so much fun taking Connor to disney. We needed the happiest place on earth. I think Connor needed it, he has been through so much. His little brain just can't comprehend jakey is not coming back. We have been honest with him through all of this and talked so much about it, but he can't verbalize his emotions like we can. He asks questions and talks about him all the time. He wants to be a big help again(he loved helping with everything for Jacob), he wants to show jakey all his new toys. We talk about him often and say it's ok to miss him, and that we will see him again some day, but he can't comprehend. I think that's ok for now, hopefully as he gets older and as we keep talking he will remember and not be sad but look back and remember love and joy during this time. Hopefully he will look back and remember how good God is, even in the midst as something like this. We will not stop talking and reminding Connor of how much our Father loves us, and jakey.
For me it's been good, then so hard. At one point I remember thinking I just want someone else to know how this feels (sorry I know it sounds terrible). I want someone to understand what we just went through, the deep pain, and heaviness of it all. I was thinking and crying when it was like I could hear The Lord say to me, in the most compassionate and tear filled voice, kayla I have been here with you. I have never left you. I understand the pain. I understand the weight of it. I understand because I literally have never left you, I have been with you and felt all you have felt. I have seen and wiped every tear. I also understand because I have lost a son, I watched him suffer and die. I believe all of this and hold so tightly to it. To have a God who says I am here with you, I understand because I have been through it (much worse) is beyond comforting. It is all I have, and more than that it's all I need. This life is not a race or a game. I don't need to have X number of kids that look and act a specific way or live in this area or have these clothes and this house. I need to hold tight to the truth that Jesus loves me no matter what, that He is good no matter the circumstances, that He understands every hurt and pain in my life. This place is not my home, hope is not found in these things. It is found in the arms of a real God who gives free grace, love, joy, hope, life, even when you come to the realization that you had 3 sweet months with your newborn son and it's been almost four since he has been gone and the time you had with him is now less than the time you have been without him. Even in this fog, our God is good!