To piggy back off my post yesterday something else I have come to realize during this time is how much I hold on to Connor and Jacob instead of The Lord. These thoughts of how I imagined my life to look and how deeply I love and would do anything for my kids have brought me to see how much more I should love The Lord than this picture of my life. It has shown me how I love my kids often times more than I love Him. Since I have become a mom I have struggled with this idea of giving ALL to The Lord, specifically my sons. During this time light has been shown into my very worst fear, losing a child. I have read stories of other people losing their children and my heart literally breaks for them. I couldn't even dwell in that thought because it was to painful if that ever became a reality for me. Now I am looking that reality in the face, and it's a place I never thought I would be. There are no words to describe the pain and sadness I feel. My worst fear has become my reality. I am reminded as I face this fear that The Lord has graciously given Connor and Jacob to Kevin and me to take care of while we are on this earth, however long that may be. And for that I am beyond thankful. Jacob and Connor belong to Him. I am reminded of the absolute love it took for God to freely sacrifice His own son for me, for the world. The absolute love it took for Him to let Jesus be born into a broken world only to be misunderstood, hated, beaten, betrayed, and put to death-all for His great rescue plan for the world, for me-once an enemy of God. The love for His people outweighed by far the pain of that sacrifice. The pain of watching His own son go through death and more than that-the pain of watching His perfect son absorb the sin of the world, all the pain, brokenness, evil, selfishness, greed, idolatry. That pain I can not even imagine, but i am BEYOND thankful that God had a greater plan as He sent Jesus into the world. I am thankful that Jesus conquered death, and that means there is no more fear in death for us, there is so much hope of new life. "Where O death is your victory? Where O death is your sting? The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore my brothers stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of The Lord, because you know that your labor is not in vain." 1 Corinthians 15:55-58. We will not let this move us. We will remain faithful.